Friday, July 23, 2010

Thank You for giving my life back

Sorry I haven't written like all summer, but that is only because I have been having the time of my life. This is the first summer in 3 years I have been able to fully enjoy my summer. I am understand the simplest things about life.
I traveled to Washignton D.C. and New York City with my mom and little sister at the beggining of the summer, which was a blast. I had gone before but didnt get to do alot of things, so going back was a true treat. I had so much fun adn enjoyed spending all the time wiht my sister and mom. Thank you to alot of people for making this possible for me.
When i returned from this I spent a few weeks at home before traveling to Kansas City for a week with my mom and skills Usa advisor for the National Skills USA Sonference and Competition. I had a blast :) I learned so much, but more importantly it was a chance of a life time and becuase i was healthy i was able to go and enjoy myself. I made a few new friends while i was here, which helped allow me to enjoy things. I got home friday night and Saturday morning was off to be a camp councelor.
I went to Rock Springs with 24 other teenagers to be a cmap counselor. I loved every minute of it or almost every minute of it. My girls thought it may be fun to push me a little but i still love them. We got through it and by the end of the night were all friends again.
After I got home from this it was time for the 4th of july. Over the 4th I camped with my family. As soon as this was over it was fair time.
I had a great time at the fair. I was able to enjoy every minute of it and use my energy. Granted it took a few days to recover but I made it.
All in all though I have been able to do so much more this summer. I wouldn't have dreamed of doing even half of this a year ago. I owe this to my parents, my siblings, my family, my friends, my PRC Family, alot of people for pushing me and for pulling me through so much. I couldn't and probably wouldn't be where i am today if these people hadn't pushed me or sat beside me for endless hours. Thank You for everything each one of you has done to get me where I am today. I am truly blessed to be where i am. Yes I still get tired, but I have come so far.
I am also looking forward to being a junior in the fall and being able to attend school, crazy thought huh?
Thank You for helping me through everything :)

Monday, May 24, 2010

There is a reason...

How many of us have ever lost anyone close to us? How many of us have had to deal with cancer or some other life altering illness?
Now more importantly how many of us have become angry with the doctors? How about ourselves? Other family or friends? What about God?
I’m not proud, but I know over the last few years there have been many instances where I became angry with myself, my family, the doctors, and even God.
As you have read previously, I had several medical problems. At first I was ok with it. It didn’t seem like a big deal, but time went on, and I became very tired of it and I wanted it gone. I tried to stay strong, but I began finding myself asking why was this me? How come it couldn’t be someone else. Really? How come all of this had to happen to me? I couldn’t explain it to my friends, they didn’t understand. I was missing the most important years of my childhood. I wasn’t ever going to get those back, why had God taken those from me? Towards the last few months of being sick things fell apart. I went to the Doctor one day and had to be put in the hospital once again and at that minute I just began to cry. I just started asking, Why? Why was this me? I was angry at my doctors for not finding answers, for not helping me. I was just angry at anyone around. I had no reason to be angry at most people but I was angry at all of them anyway. I got through it all, but I can honestly say there was a time, I’m not proud of it, that I doubted God. I couldn’t believe a man with so much power would do such a thing to me.
Another time recently was when my Great Grandpa fell ill. Twelve years ago I remember being told my grandpa had cancer. Of course I had no idea what it was, but everyone else was scared, so I was too. Grandpa got through it all and was one of the most important people in my life. He was there for everything. He took me to the park, he took me on the tractor, he was in the audience at my dance recitals, he was in the audience at my 8th grade recognition, he sat with me in the hospital and told me to keep going, it was gonna be ok. Needless to say he was there for it all. Over about the last two years my grandpa began to have problems with his leg and the doctors kept saying there nothing wrong. In July a doctor finally decided to test the bone. The following day he got the call that they wanted him in Omaha ASAP he had an infection the was beginning to spread. Can you tell me how a doctor can’t figure that out? How in the world can you go to school for all those years and not test for something like that? He spent along time in Omaha and had numerous surgeries and ended up having to have his leg removed. I remember the day my little sister and I were sitting at home and the phone rang, she answered it and soon became scared, followed by tears. I was scared. I ask what is going on. She said I don’t know, Grandma seems scared and wants to talk to mom now. Mom came home and we ask what was going on. She said pack a bag we have to go. Grandpa wasn’t doing good. We were in Omaha shortly. Grandpa finally came back around and started doing better. When the rest of my family came back, I chose to stay with Grandma for a week and continue to do what I could for her and grandpa. This was one of the most trying week of my life. It was especially hard when my grandpa couldn’t remember who I was. But eventually he got better and was moved back to Sabetha, after a lot of rehabilitation we got to move grandpa back into his house. He was doing great, but began to go down hill again. His 80th birthday was drawing near so we decided to have a huge birthday party for him. The Friday before I went to stay at there house so I could help grandma. Saturday Grandpa wasn’t good at all, we tried everything but things weren’t getting better. When we put him in bed that night, I was scared, I knew things weren’t good. Grandma woke me up at 5 the next morning to tell me Grandpa was gone… I knew this was best, but I couldn’t believe it. Things were hard, but we went on with his party. How could God take one of the most important people away from me? Grandpa always promised he be there when I graduated and got married, he wasn’t going to be now. Hwy had this happened. How come it had to be my Grandpa. Nothing made sense to me. I still don’t fully understand, but I often find myself asking what if. What could we have done differently, what could the doctors have done differently?
I know all of us experience things like this. It’s a daily occurrence. I have learned over time that God has a plan. You have no idea how many times I was told this, but I didn’t believe it, how could his plan involve so much pain?
Because of what I went through being sick, I am a stronger person, I have learned so much. I have grown in God. I know it’s hard when your growing through something to see the bright side, trust me, but there is one. God has a reason. We don’t know or understand it, and we may not appreciate at certain times, but in the end, it turns out how it should. Yes it hurts us, and yes it makes us question him, but we have to believe. There is a reason.
The most important thing I have learned is love and trust God. Believe in yourself and believe it’s going to be ok.
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Operation Butterfly- What it's all about...

When I was born, the doctor's told my parents, You have a healthy baby girl. Little did everyone know that some years later would I begin to be not so healthy.
Operation Butterfly is about starting over, finding yourself, believing you have a purpose, being who you want to be, Operation Butterfly to me is a new beggining.
Three years ago I began to have Health issues. It was the beginning of track season and I began to notice that everyday at practice I was throwing up. For the first week, we thought I was just sick, after a week and it didnt go away we went to the doctor. Doctors thought it was acid refluxes so I took medicine. It continued, but we continued our daily routine and I continued to pratice and get sick. Sometime later, it was spring break, right before our very first track meet. We went to have dinner with my great-grandparents. I couldn't bring myself to eat and soon I was in tears sitting in a ball and couldn't move. Mom took me to the E.R. and within an hour I was in surgery having my appendix removed. How this wasn't caught before I will never know...
As time went by I got better. Soon the next track season rolled around. At this time I began having lower abdominal pain. It wasn't long and we discovered I had a 6cm cists on my ovary. This had to be surgically removed and once again, I couldn't participate in track. At this point we are thinking things have to get better nothing else can happen.
The following fall I began to have problems again. I would throw up for no reason, be incredibly tired, be in horrible pain, and there was no answer. I spent numerous times in the hospital and my families lives became more and more apart. After time went by a doctor finally tested my gall bladder only to find out it did not function. So again I had surgery. This had to be it there couldn't possibly be anyhting else that could be wrong, I was finally going to get my life back. By this time I had missed alot of school, I was becoming seperated from my friends and my school. I felt like everything was falling apart. But this was the end I was going to be better and there was nothing else to it.
Until time went by and I became even more sick. I was puking, tired, in pain, coulnd't move, began having different signs show up, and soon began to loose feeling in my legs. At this time I had missed most of my freshman and sophmores years in high school. I was tired, I was weak and I wanted it to be over. There were times I thought nothing else worse could happen, there isn't possibly on more wrong thing that could go on. I questioned why was here? Why was God doing this to me? Why couldn't it be someone else? This isn't fair.
One morning I woke up and felt wierd, but I went on with my day and went to school. That night I was in horrible in pain and didn't know what was happening. The next morning I woke up with little feeling in my legs and decided to stay home from school. My mom went ahead and went on to work though. I remember crawling everywhere I went because I was scared I would fall, only becuase the nght before I had fallen in the tub. I was taken to the doctor later this afternoon , where he then hospitalized me. They ran tests and couldn't find anything wrong, but this didn't surprise me or anyone else I had a problem that no one could figure out. I woke up the next mornig and had no feeling, I coulnd't feel people touching me and becuase of the medicine I was on I couldn't remeber what was going on or anyhting around me. I do remeber when they were going to transfer me to minnesota to Mayo Clinic. All my family came to visit me along with my friends. I didn't want to get out of bed becuase I had to drag myself along with a walker, which was hard. I ended up having to get out of bed and at that moment I think it hit people how bad it was. It was so hard for my family and friends to watch me struggle. I knew when my mom first saw how bad it was the day I had lost all feeling she watched me struggle and cried. This was a very hard time for everyone, and I really had no idea what was going on except that I was in pain. Looking back at pictures you can tell I wasn't good. I didn't end up being transfered at this time though. As a few days passed I worked hard in therapy and was finally able to feel my legs again. I finally got to go home, which was amazing because a few days before I was scared I'd never be able to walk again.
A few weeks later a lady called us from the Mayo Clinic and wanted to know if we would be interested in a pain rehabilitation program. At this time, my mom was so mad, she said No, my daughter has a problem and I need an answer. After she cooled off and things weren't getting better she called the lady back apologized and told them we would be there. Little did I know this was going to be the hardest, yet most life changing experience of my life.
We left for a three week stay in minnesota in early March. I went in open minded, yet I thought this was the dumbest thing I had heard of. The first week I was there I lost feeling in my legs. These people had no sympathy though. There job was to help me, but I felt like they weren't helping me. I couldn't feel my legs and my nurse was making me walk. I was crying and I didn't think I could do it. They also took all my pain medicine away. I didn't think it was going to be possible to make it through this. I did though. Alot of encouragement pulled me through. I met some of the most amazing people here. Kids who were having problems, similar to mine. This is what made me believe. Not a doctor, not a nurse, but the kids. Only a few days later was I back on my feet and doing great, I used the things they were teaching me and they worked. I can't quite explain to you how deep breathing, visualzation and things like that work but they do. This was an experience of a lifetime, but it worked. I didn't do it alone though, I did it with the help of new friends, my nurse, curtis, my parents, my friends from home, everyone, everyone pushed and told me keep your head up!
After I came home I was scared. I was terrified things would go back to the way they were before.I had spent most of the last three years in hospitals, being poked with needles, in doctors offices, and being sick, that was my life was being sick. I was scared this was all my life would be ablout, how would I get a new life? I didn't want this but how could I change it? I did with time, support, alota prayer, and believing. My family and friends kept pushing me.
I hadn't exactly been to school regulary though, and I was feeling as if i had lost my friends, I hadn't been there for everything and I missed alot of stuff. Its so hard to explain to people whats happening. They get scared and don't know what to do and soon you become distant.
I am back in school full time though and havn't been to the doctor in quite a while. Some days are rough, but that's when you tell yourself, you aren't alone you can do this. I am fully involved again and am so happy. I do have a purpose, there was a reason I went through what i did, It made me who I am today. Sometimes God has a plan that we disagree with or don't understand, but eventually there comes a point when you begin to understand.
Operation Butterfly is helping me start my new life. My healthy life. The life I want. It's a fresh start, it's hard, but you gotta believe. You have to be strong, when no one else thinks you can. And be a friend, if you think someone is having a rough time, lend your shoulder. We all have hard times, but we can make it through. Don't give up. I have my bad days, but I have the people around me who pull me through. This hasn't just affected me but my family, my friends, my teachers, everyone. Early I told you i began to quesiton God but through all of this the only thing I can say is it has brought me so much closer to him. It's amazing what can happen and what can change. So when things seem to be going horrible, remeber to spread your wings and fly, you have a new beginning.