How many of us have ever lost anyone close to us? How many of us have had to deal with cancer or some other life altering illness?
Now more importantly how many of us have become angry with the doctors? How about ourselves? Other family or friends? What about God?
I’m not proud, but I know over the last few years there have been many instances where I became angry with myself, my family, the doctors, and even God.
As you have read previously, I had several medical problems. At first I was ok with it. It didn’t seem like a big deal, but time went on, and I became very tired of it and I wanted it gone. I tried to stay strong, but I began finding myself asking why was this me? How come it couldn’t be someone else. Really? How come all of this had to happen to me? I couldn’t explain it to my friends, they didn’t understand. I was missing the most important years of my childhood. I wasn’t ever going to get those back, why had God taken those from me? Towards the last few months of being sick things fell apart. I went to the Doctor one day and had to be put in the hospital once again and at that minute I just began to cry. I just started asking, Why? Why was this me? I was angry at my doctors for not finding answers, for not helping me. I was just angry at anyone around. I had no reason to be angry at most people but I was angry at all of them anyway. I got through it all, but I can honestly say there was a time, I’m not proud of it, that I doubted God. I couldn’t believe a man with so much power would do such a thing to me.
Another time recently was when my Great Grandpa fell ill. Twelve years ago I remember being told my grandpa had cancer. Of course I had no idea what it was, but everyone else was scared, so I was too. Grandpa got through it all and was one of the most important people in my life. He was there for everything. He took me to the park, he took me on the tractor, he was in the audience at my dance recitals, he was in the audience at my 8th grade recognition, he sat with me in the hospital and told me to keep going, it was gonna be ok. Needless to say he was there for it all. Over about the last two years my grandpa began to have problems with his leg and the doctors kept saying there nothing wrong. In July a doctor finally decided to test the bone. The following day he got the call that they wanted him in Omaha ASAP he had an infection the was beginning to spread. Can you tell me how a doctor can’t figure that out? How in the world can you go to school for all those years and not test for something like that? He spent along time in Omaha and had numerous surgeries and ended up having to have his leg removed. I remember the day my little sister and I were sitting at home and the phone rang, she answered it and soon became scared, followed by tears. I was scared. I ask what is going on. She said I don’t know, Grandma seems scared and wants to talk to mom now. Mom came home and we ask what was going on. She said pack a bag we have to go. Grandpa wasn’t doing good. We were in Omaha shortly. Grandpa finally came back around and started doing better. When the rest of my family came back, I chose to stay with Grandma for a week and continue to do what I could for her and grandpa. This was one of the most trying week of my life. It was especially hard when my grandpa couldn’t remember who I was. But eventually he got better and was moved back to Sabetha, after a lot of rehabilitation we got to move grandpa back into his house. He was doing great, but began to go down hill again. His 80th birthday was drawing near so we decided to have a huge birthday party for him. The Friday before I went to stay at there house so I could help grandma. Saturday Grandpa wasn’t good at all, we tried everything but things weren’t getting better. When we put him in bed that night, I was scared, I knew things weren’t good. Grandma woke me up at 5 the next morning to tell me Grandpa was gone… I knew this was best, but I couldn’t believe it. Things were hard, but we went on with his party. How could God take one of the most important people away from me? Grandpa always promised he be there when I graduated and got married, he wasn’t going to be now. Hwy had this happened. How come it had to be my Grandpa. Nothing made sense to me. I still don’t fully understand, but I often find myself asking what if. What could we have done differently, what could the doctors have done differently?
I know all of us experience things like this. It’s a daily occurrence. I have learned over time that God has a plan. You have no idea how many times I was told this, but I didn’t believe it, how could his plan involve so much pain?
Because of what I went through being sick, I am a stronger person, I have learned so much. I have grown in God. I know it’s hard when your growing through something to see the bright side, trust me, but there is one. God has a reason. We don’t know or understand it, and we may not appreciate at certain times, but in the end, it turns out how it should. Yes it hurts us, and yes it makes us question him, but we have to believe. There is a reason.
The most important thing I have learned is love and trust God. Believe in yourself and believe it’s going to be ok.
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”